"You have been my friend," replied Charlotte. "That in itself is a tremendous thing." ~ Charlotte's Web
This is the conclusion to my study abroad blog. The funny thing, and I should know this by now because it’s a frequent occurrence, is that I always think I’ll feel one way when reaching the end of something, but that’s never quite how it all pans out. I guess there’s no real ending to anything; There’s only ever the briefest of pauses between momentous occasions and starting all over again.
My mom and sister, Cassia, came to visit me for my last week in Moscow. One of my most cherished, heartwarming, magical memories will always be the evening they sat in on my last dance class. My fellow dancers surprised me at the end of the class with a shirt, bearing our dance studio’s emblem, and a little stuffed bunny. They also prepared a table of drinks and food, and we all toasted together and took photos. One of my teachers, who I respect very much and had long admired, invited me to dance with him. It was just the most surprising, wonderful thing and I was so touched and it’s very hard to write about now without feeling choked up.
* Please note the blurry figure running in from the side and the cute super hero bunny in my hands! Also, Lena, another teacher and the sweetest, most patient, spritely person, is wearing a black tank top on one side of me. And Sasha, her teaching partner for this class, is also wearing a black tank top on the other side of me!
*Phew, everyone made it. Also, Lena and I share a nice moment.
*Крейзи фото! :)
*See my new shirt! "Ivara: Studio of Partner Dance".
Below are some poor quality photos of me dancing with Sasha. Oh my gosh, it was so much fun! I also felt a little nauseated because I had downed two cups of gin and soda just a few minutes prior. (There were a lot of toasts to get through!)
My mom and Cassia also met Alina and Mikhail, who I can't quite fit into a box because they are much more than my dance teachers and much more than my friends. They occupy a marvelous space of their own, and they make me feel like I matter. That's one of the most wonderful gifts you can give to another person, you know - to make someone feel like he or she is worthwhile. That's all that a lot of people are looking for. Alina didn't have to help me find dance classes, she didn't need to invite me to discos, it wasn't necessary for her to find clothes for me to wear in competitions, or spend the whole day talking with me, but she did all that and a whole lot more. Mikhail didn't need to take me on for private lessons, or become so invested in my training, or drive me to dance at the waterfront, or calm me down when I got stressed out, or make me laugh until I snorted, but he did all of that too. It's the most important thing, what they did. They are the most important people. I appreciate them so much.
^Alina, Me, and Mikhail. He probably said something dumb and we were giving him a pity laugh. (Just kidding! I love you!)
^Cassia said my head looked small in this photo and so we had to take it again, but I like the funny expressions on our faces.
<ehehe, these ones too>
*Alina, me, my momma and sister :) :)
* Cassia captured our goodbye hug, and it was the sweetest.
Cassia and my mom also met my host mom, Tatyana. I'm so lucky I got to spend almost 10 months with her eating her ahhmaazing food (and also sometimes putting the last few bites in my napkin because it was soo much.. so much food..), petting her cats, laughing, over-indulging in russian chocolates, and lounging in the kitchen watching soap operas. She's a special one.
*My two moms. <3
*Cassia and I in my room. Taken by my mom from my loft bed.
*This little jerk and I grew quite accustomed and fond of one another over time, although it kind of looks like I'm choking him here.
So, this brings us back to the title of this blog. (You can scroll back up again if you forgot what it was.)
Friendship is the best part of being alive. The very best part.
I’m not so interested in traveling anymore. That might change once I get over this jet lag, but everything feels like a waste of time when I’m not in the company of someone who I can laugh with. The most beautiful places will never match up to how people make me feel. If I return to Moscow, and I really think I will, it will be because of my mentors and friends there who have touched me. Beyond all the confusion, loneliness, and sadness I felt in the long adjustment, I somehow managed to make the most wonderful friends and connections in the end. I found people to laugh with. I don’t compare my study abroad experience to any one else’s with any sense of jealousy or regret. I think that I understand Russia now in a way that many Americans do not and cannot. Any experience that creates more space for kindness and openness is an exceptional one.
Upon our farewell meeting, my friend, Valya, said that now I can tell everyone about the things {in Russia} that are hidden from them. I’m not sure if things are hidden so much as they are unsaid. It is not said enough that most everyone can speak to someone from another country without standing under a cloudy prejudice of politics. I never found it difficult to relate to someone in Moscow. Everywhere you go in the world, people are essentially the same. It sounds like a simple thought on the surface, but I think, due to a multitude of legitimate and illegitimate reasons, it’s actually a deeply challenging concept to grasp and remember.
In the end, what I want you to know is that I’m still a bit too afraid of people; I still get very anxious; I’m still too impatient; I still can’t speak Russian fluently; and I still worry extensively about how to lead a fulfilling life. However, I don’t feel as much like I’m waiting for things to happen anymore, and the subsequent relief of being less like a flailing, human-shaped, tubular advertisement balloon on a windy day has enabled more space for kindness within myself. I’ve cultivated a great respect for individuals who live their lives sincerely and without mind to how their unconventional choices might be perceived by those who just don’t “get” it. I think the weird people are the best people. It takes a lot of bravery to be genuine. At some point, you’ve just gotta stop listening to all the other voices so you can do your own thing.
My friend, Caroline Elkin, sent me these words of encouragement a couple of weeks ago and I like them so much: “Your one true job as a human is to cultivate what is good inside you and to try to create a world where other people are able to cultivate the stars in them too… Also, go have some Irish coffee at breakfast.”
So, after 10 months in Moscow, this is my advice to give: Politely tell everyone else to shut up and go follow your own weird little heart.
Mine led me to Russia.
As always, thank you for reading.
Aubrey
