Happy Victory Day! May 9th is Victory Day in Russia, commemorating Germany's surrender to the Soviet Union in World War II, or "The Great Patriotic War". I was woken up in the morning by the noise of cheering and Soviet military songs as the parade processed down Tverskaya street. Tatyana and I ate breakfast, and I stuffed my face with all the leftover Kulich bread from Easter, as we watched the news coverage of the parade on the Red Square. I honestly didn't think I would enjoy victory day so much, but the atmosphere was so lively and fun. In the parade, many people carry photos of their grandfathers, who fought in WWII. Veterans wear their uniforms and medals, and many people wear these black and orange striped ribbons, called St. George's ribbons, or carry red carnations.
^ Cathedral of Christ the Saviour
I got a lot of: "But what did America even do in World War II?" and "Is it true that there are people who think America won the war?" questions. Honestly, I didn't really know what to say. I hope that doesn't make me un-patriotic. But.. when you look at the nearly 27 million Soviet people who perished from 1941-1945... I mean... let's just think about it for a minute.... maybe we could talk a little more about such things in my primary school textbooks.... just saying... I love the USA... but ya know... It's weird I didn't learn about these things until really quite late in my academic career.... SO... just a subtle shout out to the American Board of Education.. because I'm sure that you probably all are active readers of my blog. Okay.
I met Katya on Arbat, and from there we got ice cream and walked through the festive street, filled with food stands and flowers and happy people, all the way to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour. Then, we took the metro to Gorky Park and met with another friend.
After sitting in the sunshine for a while, we parted ways as I met my dance partner, Dima, to practice on the riverbank. Once the weather warms up for the summer season, "Open Air" discos, called "Хастл ОпенЭир на Набережной" take place on the riverbank in Gorky Park. There are multiple wooden dance floors. There is always a dance floor for the hustle, and usually a dance floor for salsa. It's a lot of fun! I always see people I know there, and many pedestrians stop to watch the dancers. On Victory Day, a lot of the girls wore dresses in the '40s/'50s style and the men wore white shirts with caps or pins. At 10:00PM, the dance floor is the perfect location to watch the fireworks as part of the Victory Day Salute.
^I took these photos from a different evening of dancing, but still the same idea!
I met Katya again after the salute so we could walk to the metro station together. All of the main metro stations were closed due to the expected high numbers of people out and about celebrating the holiday. I'm so glad we arranged to meet because I didn't know anything about the metro stations being closed beforehand. We walked from Gorky Park to the metro station at Teatralnaya. It took quite some time to get there but we stopped for little breaks along the way, and there was a lot of positive energy on the street. Plus, we continued to pass people playing street music or groups of break dancers, so there was always entertainment.
That's all for Victory Day.
Now I'm going to talk about my feelings.
I've been having a hard time lately. I think much of it is due to the anticipation of leaving Moscow. It would be better if I could calm down and live in the moment, but I just don't think I'm built that way. It's frustrating when people tell me to focus on one thing at a time, because I don't know what that feels like. "Be here now" doesn't resonate with me.
I wish my classes had already ended because they seem so unimportant. (I've done my work for the entire semester! Can't I just skip the last 2 weeks?) I've always thought of myself as a highly focused and motivated person, but I'm barely getting by right now. It's uncomfortable. I can only see all the little things that I'm failing at, and only seldomly catch glimpses of the bigger picture. I wish someone could just give me a: "you did okay for the first 15 years of your education so you can just let these last 2 weeks go." When you think of it that way, I'm not really asking for too much.
I sorely miss my friends back home, but I'll miss my Moscow friends to a nearly unbearable degree once I leave. Growing up is realizing you can't be with everyone you love at the same time; Growing up is hard. I feel like I might be a little too sensitive to handle everything that comes with being a real life person. It's an awful lot to take on sometimes.
How is it going to feel to abandon my Moscow life in a couple weeks? I have a schedule and I dance every day and I have relationships and I know how to get to places on the metro. I've worked so hard and have toughed it out through a lot of anxiety and nerves to establish myself in my dance studio and to further develop my friendships. I tend to stay away from asserting that I've worked "really hard" at something, because, a lot of the time, I know I could have done better. But I know, in this situation, I tried my absolute best. I know that's something to be proud of, but I mostly feel worn-out. I'm so tired of feeling so much. It's exhausting all of the time.
I keep seeing this image of myself back home, sitting alone in my backyard and thinking that Moscow was all a dream. I don't think it will feel real. What if something happens and I can't come back? I've worked my way through a fair amount of stuff in the past few years, particularly with my numerous knee injuries and surgeries, but I don't think any of it was quite as challenging or heartbreaking as how I feel right now.
Am I a crazy person? I feel not normal.
Oi. Ой.