I elbowed someone in the face in dance class today. Really hard. He grabbed his face and kind of bent over for a while. I apologized. It's fine. We're cool now. We moved past it.
I understood literally nothing of what one boy, who is a lovely person to dance with and who I have an embarrassingly huge crush on, said to me in class today. He asked me the simplest question but it just went straight over my head. I hate feelings. It's not even fair. I don't even know why I'm attracted to him. He just has this beautiful air about him, but not even in a physical way. His attractiveness transcends his physical being. He exudes a calming, kind aura, like an angel's halo. I just really.. Look, I can't even discuss it in my native language. Anyways, having these feelings is truly terrible because I literally cannot even speak to him. I am not pleased. No. What is happening? Is this some kind of joke that the world is playing on me? Because I hate it. I want out. Where is the magical "you're fluent in Russian" button? Where is it? I want that. I'm done with this foolishness. All the cards are against me in a way that I am not enjoying. I deserve a "get out of jail free" card. Just so we are all on the same page, the "jail" in this scenario would be my feelings for someone who speaks too quickly and uses vocabulary that I have yet to learn.
Greeeaaaaaatttt. CHalllengEs ArEE Soo FuN AnDD ChaaLLlEngGiNG. Was that difficult to read? Too bad. HA HA AHA. that's how I feel all the time!!! Ahahaha <3 <3 <3
Anyways, after accidentally assaulting someone and having my heart stomped on, I witnessed all the girls laugh and joke with each other in the dressing room, and despondence flooded through me. As I sat there, pulling my shoes on like a sad, lonely puppy with no friends, I was utmostly crushed by how little I am able connect with people. Here I am, this foreign idiot, who slaps innocent people in the face, nervously laughs at innapropriate times, and hopelessly adores someone who I literally cannot even speak to. I'm just like everyone else in the world. I just want to be loved and understood and valued and I'm really tired of everything being so hard. Everything is so hard all the time :( :( :(
In the metro, I slumped into a seat across from an intoxicated, sleeping man and cried a little bit. I really did. Real tears, everybody, real tears. I was the weird foreign girl, who assaults people and accidentally said "hello" instead of "thank you" earlier that day, crying across from an inebriated old man, who, by this point, was snoring. That's me. Hello, everyone. Hello.
Alright, well, I'm going to go take a shower now. I'll probably cry in the shower and the water will mix with my tears so it's like I'll be bathing in my own tears. Then, I'm going to watch "Fuller House" on Netflix while I finish my grammar homework. I'm a sucker for reboots of old television favorites. It's terrible, really. It's not a good show, but their mild problems and good ol' family bonding moments warm my heart in times like these.
I don't know how to end this post in a positive way. So, I'm going to awkwardly ramble my way out of here. That's actually how I handle real world problems, too. Not so much anymore because I can't speak Russian, so I don't even know how I would ramble because I don't know enough vocabulary and I can't absorb any new words because my brain has melted into a little puddle of sadness. That's fun. Ahaha life.. oh ho ho.. what a time.
In conclusion, everything is terrible and I feel like I might be dying a little bit inside.
I'll see you all in a few days when I rebound and shed my woeful cocoon to re-emerge as my usual sparkling self, hopefully with additional super powers and also holding some sort of chocolatey treat. I could really do with a snickers bar right now.
The end.
^This is from the Moscow Museum of Modern Art. It's unrelated.