Although I’m often happy to be alone, I don’t actually know how to be alone. I thought I did, but I know now that I didn’t, and that I don’t. I don't know what being alone even means. The feeling of being comfortable with myself, and sometimes only myself, doesn’t necessarily make me a complete introvert, just as it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m okay with being alone all of the time. Being alone isn’t the same thing as being lonely. Although the two overlap, they are not the same. I often feel lonely, but I don’t always feel lonely when I am alone. (That's kind of a tongue-twister!)
Is feeling lonely simply a syndrome of being young, of wanting everything so much, of the ever-present terror in the uncertainty of my future? I can’t properly articulate how often, and how deeply, I’ve yearned for another person to lean on. Not in a romantic way, but for the sake of feeling connected to something, for the sake of feeling like I have a kindred spirit in this sometimes-small, sometimes-big world, where lots of things don’t make sense and where I still like to think magic exists (and that ghosts are real, and that they are kind and look after us, and sometimes give us big ghost-hugs that make our hearts feel full in the saddest of times).
When I’m alone in a room, I never, ever feel quite as lonely as I do when standing in a room full of people, who are talking about things I don’t care about, who are doing things I don’t care about, who will respond to me in a way that I don’t care for. I think the feeling of loneliness is akin to the feeling of absence. This seems obvious and like a “yeah okay, whatever” thought. However, I don’t mean an absence of people, not really. I mean an absence of understanding. When I feel understood, I don’t feel lonely. When I understand myself and what I’m doing and what makes me happy, I don’t feel lonely. When I choose to go home alone instead of staying out with friends, I don’t feel lonely. Sometimes we get confused by what loneliness really means. I think the worst loneliness comes from a lack of self-agency. For example, Rapunzel was, of course, lonely when locked in that big, high tower of hers. She had no choice but to be there, she had no outlets, she had no way of figuring out who she was and what she wanted and what happiness really meant for her. It’s that feeling of powerlessness, which creates such a feeling of loneliness.
I’ve decided I need to do more, and to do better and, through the doing more and the doing better, I’ll be less lonely because I’ll understand what matters to me. I don’t know of what I want do more. I know I want to be better at everything. I’ve always wanted to be better, in general. Just, better. A better friend, a better listener, better at math, better at speaking, better at multi-tasking, better at dancing, etc. There’s always going to be something to improve. It’s not fair to be upset at myself for not being better at all of these things. I’m going to do my best to focus on being better at just a few things, enough things to make me feel kinder and more inspired when I wake up in the morning, when I eat lunch, when I make my bed… enough to make the little, everyday actions feel.. well, feel better. No matter how much any of us would like to believe the opposite, no one can be better at everything. I hope I’ll figure out what I want, and why I want it.
Why did I come to Russia? I don’t know. No, seriously, I genuinely don’t know. I list off reasons for people, when they ask: ballet, trans-Siberian railroad, cool culture, fascinating history, etc., etc. However, my real secret is that I have no idea why I’m here. I just felt I like I needed to be here, and I still think I need to be here. This choice will lead to something else and that will lead to something else and, anyways, I have faith that everything will fall where it is supposed to fall.
I don’t know what I like, and I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what kind of person I want to be next year. I don’t know where I want to live the year after that. I don’t know if I will be happy with kids, or a dog, or a husband. I don’t know if happiness will ever be a constant feature of my life. I don’t know if it’s possible for happiness to be a constant in anyone's life.
Can I still be happy if I feel lonely? Not just the brief, fleeting feelings of loneliness when surrounded by people I don’t know, but that deep, terrible loneliness of being without something. That’s how loneliness feels to me – an empty, scary blankness. I so often feel like something is missing, like I’m not a whole person. I speak to someone and, throughout our conversation, I feel like there’s a chunk of myself that’s somewhere else. It's tiring to feel so incomplete. Does everyone feel this way? Does everyone feel like they are not a whole person? Will that ever go away?
All of my happiest, most wholesome moments have been defined and shaped by others. When I think of “happy”, I imagine sitting around a table with people who make me laugh, who see the goodness in me, with whom I feel comfortable and at ease. When I think of happiness, it’s never a vision of me alone. Is anyone’s idea of happiness a vision of himself or herself alone?
In Marina Keegan’s essay “The Opposite of Loneliness”, she writes, “We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, that’s what I want in life… It’s not quite love and it’s not quite community; it’s just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together. Who are on your team. When the check is paid and you stay at the table. When it’s four a.m. and no one goes to bed. That night with the guitar. That night we can’t remember. That time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt.”
Isn’t that just the most beautiful, truest thing? I think so.
I’ve written of many different, contrasting ideas in this post. I’ve changed my mind a lot of times. In the end, I haven’t settled on anything. There are no deep conclusions to be made. I don’t know what loneliness is, and I don’t know what causes loneliness. I guess I've just been feeling a little lonely lately, and I'm trying to figure out why.
I would like to end on a note of certainty, since most of my thoughts prior to this point have revolved around uncertainty. One thing, which I have decided I know for absolute certain, is that good listening is awfully underrated. So there's one absolute, incontestable, true thing in my life - I will be a better listener. I don’t know what will come out of that, but I know it will be something good, and that good thing will lead to another good thing, and, eventually, everything will fall where it is supposed to fall.